Unfortunately, a narcissist’s children are brought up to dismiss how they feel. Not only did Mom invalidate or gaslight you, but you also learned that the best way to survive is not to feel anything. Instead, it’s to convince yourself by being overrational, that it’s not that bad. If you need support while processing these childhood wounds at any point in your journey, consider asking for help. A 2020 study suggests that you can develop mental and physical health conditions as a result of childhood adversity.
Adult children of narcissists often have relationship problems with romantic partners. They may feel like they can never be good enough or meet the other person’s expectations, which causes a lot of stress in their adult relationships and resentment for both partners. Children of narcissists often end up in relationships with people who have narcissistic traits. These children feel like they can never be good enough for their partner or themselves, so they become codependent on the other person to make them happy and validate their self-worth. They might present themselves as clingy and constantly need attention.
Münchausen syndrome1 is when someone benefits from playing ill or continuing to be ill after healing. The effects of growing up with a narcissistic parent can last well into adulthood as children grow older when they do not receive enough emotional support or validation from their parents. Growing up with a narcissistic father, was no doubt difficult for you as a child. Your needs were often ignored in favor of your father’s ego, leading to confusion, low self-esteem, and difficulties forming healthy relationships later in life. Narcissistic mothers see a child’s achievements as more important than their happiness. The expectations they put on their children often lead to the children experiencing a disconnect between their performative self and their authentic self.
For being human—experiencing certain emotions, making mistakes every human makes—and for the things others did, that you blame yourself for. And you’ll shame yourself because you see yourself as a fundamentally bad and unlovable person. As children, the easiest way we take control of situations is to blame ourselves. If you were to visualize self-blame as a muscle, then by adulthood, this well-pumped muscle has become the size of the Hulk.
- Recognizing and nurturing the parts of oneself that were neglected or hurt can lead to significant healing and growth.
- They then suffer not just from early childhood trauma, but from multiple re-victimizations in adulthood until, with the right support, they address their core wounds and begin to break the cycle step by step.
- They might think that the world revolves around them, sometimes to the point where they ignore the needs of someone else.
Believing love is conditional
Narcissistic parents can leave us with a legacy of perfectionism and self-criticism. But maybe you grew up with a parent (or parents) who required obedience and agreement with “hell” to pay for those who deviate. Hopefully you haven’t crossed paths with a dark triad personality, but here’s how to recognise them. Learning self-awareness and self-compassion will go a long way to helping you heal.
Talking to others who share similar experiences can help you feel less isolated and provide insights into your healing journey. Children of narcissistic mothers may feel pressured to meet their mother’s unrealistic expectations. This can lead to feelings of guilt, as the child feels they are never doing enough to satisfy their mother’s insatiable need for praise. When a mother has NPD, her behavior can create an environment where her children feel emotionally neglected, manipulated, or devalued. She may focus on her own needs to the point that she disregards the emotional and psychological needs of her children. The narcissistic mother often views her children as tools for boosting her self-esteem and may go to great lengths to control their behavior and accomplishments.
As a therapist who specializes in working with survivors of traumatic families, as well as a survivor myself, I find that many of my clients were raised by one or more caregivers with narcissistic tendencies. These personality traits influenced their development, often leading traits of a child of a narcissistic mother to specific personality traits that likely developed as a result of their experiences. Consider joining a support group for individuals with narcissistic parents.
Manipulation
YOU get to decide what kind of relationship—if any—you want with him. It is important to start setting boundaries that are sustainable over time. He was and is controlling, whether through micromanaging, dictating your life choices, or making you feel incapable of making decisions without his input. Even as an adult, you feel like he still tries to run your life and continues to be very controlling.
Growing up with a narcissistic father can leave lasting emotional scars, shaping the way you see yourself, your relationships, and the world around you. Narcissistic fathers often demand control, lack empathy, and make everything about them—leaving you feeling unseen, unheard, and never quite good enough. Learning to identify narcissistic parenting, stand up to it and protect yourself against it doesn’t just help you preserve your mental health.
They can learn to use this superpower for discerning toxic people and detaching from them beforethey get involved. You’ll also have to take care of your nervous system, helping it to heal from the effects of trauma. Part of this may be also recognizing who else in your life is like your mother because chances are, it’s a house of mirrors, and she’s not the only narcissist in your life. If you suspect or realize your mother may be a narcissist, that Eureka! But you might end up blaming yourself for making her behaviors worse, not seeing through her earlier, not standing up to her—anything. Or you might be furious at yourself for not knowing what things like boundaries and attachment are.
Petty rivalry with her own children
This codependency can stem from the deep-rooted belief that their worthiness and value as individuals are dependent on the opinions and actions of others. They may find themselves constantly sacrificing their own needs and desires in order to please others, often at the expense of their own well-being. Breaking free from these codependent patterns requires self-reflection, setting boundaries, and cultivating a stronger sense of self-worth independent of external validation. Children of narcissistic mothers often find themselves in relationships where they are exploited and ignored. Because they have been emotionally abused and rejected by their parents, they haven’t internalised a healthy template for relationships. Although many children of narcissists don’t consciously experience these difficult feelings, they are still there, running in the background and influencing your everyday life.
- The pursuit of narcissistic supply can create an unstable and emotionally draining environment for family members.
- Daughters of narcissistic mothers have learned to suppress their emotions because growing up, expressing their feelings was dangerous.
- Despite her efforts to assert her boundaries and advocate for herself, she was met with dismissal and disdain, further eroding her sense of self-worth.
- While some mothers may seek therapy and improve (although this is unusual), lasting change is rare without consistent and long-term effort.
- A mother’s narcissistic behavior can have a range of long-term effects on her child’s emotional, psychological, and social well-being mental health, and ability to form healthy relationships in adulthood.
Mental Health Struggles
Being raised by a narcissistic mother may have lasting effects on your attachment style, self-esteem, mental health, and more. Narcissistic mothers often undermine their daughter’s self-esteem by being overly critical, dismissive, and/or competitive. A child growing up in this environment often gets the message that she is a burden. Daughters of narcissistic mothers often experience feelings of worthlessness, self-doubt, and a constant need for validation. As a result of this lack of acceptance, children of narcissists are extremely sensitive to criticism. Feedback at work, criticism from a partner, even innocent comments from a neighbour can send you into a spiral of self-judgement and shame.
Keep in mind that their parents may not change soon, which means it is better to let them go and find other ways of coping with the situation. Another common trait for children of a narcissist is difficulty when it comes to spending time by themselves. These children are used to being around others and always having a partner, so when they have time by themselves, it can be an uncomfortable feeling for them.
If they can learn how to please or placate those in power, this can help them navigate a volatile and unpredictable environment more safely. It becomes a survival strategy, allowing them to anticipate and mitigate potential conflicts or emotional outbursts from their narcissistic parent, thereby reducing the risk of emotional or even physical harm. This adaptive behavior may persist into adulthood, shaping their approach to all relationships as they seek to maintain harmony and avoid confrontation at all costs. Being the child of a narcissist can impact your self-esteem and mental health. Daughters of narcissistic mothers may share common symptoms resulting from being raised by a narcissistic personality. A mother’s narcissistic behavior can have a range of long-term effects on her child’s emotional, psychological, and social well-being mental health, and ability to form healthy relationships in adulthood.
This consistent negative messaging can create a profound sense of shame, as the child internalizes the belief that there is something inherently wrong with them. Narcissistic mothers frequently impose high expectations on their children, demanding perfection and achievement to validate their own self-worth. The consequences of an insecure attachment style are far-reaching.
Create and enforce healthy boundaries
Individuals who see their world through this lens cannot accept people for both the good and the bad, which leads to them only being able to love conditionally. Splitting causes a lot of rejection from outsiders and may lead to relationship failures. A mother who is prone to splitting is likely to raise fragile children with poor self-esteem. Many of the factors detailed above can affect how an adult child of a narcissistic parent connects with others and maintains relationships. Often, mistrust, self-doubt, and an inability to understand and regulate emotion underlie the above traits.
These approaches focus on protecting one’s mental health, fostering independence, and seeking appropriate support. Ultimately, every relationship between a narcissistic mother and her daughter is unique, and the expectations placed on the daughter’s behavior can vary. While some narcissistic mothers may explicitly demand their daughters to emulate them, others may subtly manipulate their daughters into complying with their wishes without overtly expecting identical behavior.